


Crime Scene Surveillance

by j_marquis



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Other Characters Are Mentioned, alcohol use, christmas party aftermath, he deserves it honestly, some slight smack talking of hojo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28167327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_marquis/pseuds/j_marquis
Summary: Reno tries to figure out the sequence of events leading to the disaster that is the day after the company Christmas party.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6
Collections: 2020 FF7 Secret Santa





	Crime Scene Surveillance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ladymcgilvra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladymcgilvra/gifts).



> I'm sorry if I didn't follow the holiday party prompt to a t. Comedy is really not my forte, but I did my best to make something that would amuse. Enjoy!

Reno was used to surveilling crime scenes.

This was no different, really.

The Presidential Suite was a disaster, and for once Reno wasn't mentally calculating the cost of damages. Because the president himself was sprawled across the bathroom floor, wrapped in a window curtain, a Christmas popper paper hat on his head and glitter on the makeshift robe. He could foot the bill.

Reno nudged the sleeping president aside, very pointedly didn't look at Hojo sleeping in the bathtub, cuddling a massive stuffed Tonberry and talking in his sleep, looked instead at his own reflection, trying to survey what damage had been done. A bruise on his cheek, glitter in his hair. No jacket, his shirt had been replaced by a hot pink mesh crop top, and he was pretty sure he had seen his pants on a sofa.

Right, Reno. It's just like any other crime scene. Just have to put together an order of events. Figure out what happened.

First of all, it was the Christmas party. Company party, President had paid for a suite, dancers from the Honeybee. Food and drink, as much as they could imbibe of. Well, Mr. President, there was your first problem.

_Reno’s Crime Scene Surveillance Clues:  
The Setting: Company Christmas Party at the Presidential Suite of the Midgar Grand  
Hojo got in. Somehow. (Did Heidigger invite him? Reeve might have, Tuesti’s too nice for his own good.)  
Survivors  
Bathroom: President Shinra, Hojo  
Living Room: My pants, Rude, Tseng, Reeve, Rude, Elena  
Bedroom: Heidigger, Scarlet, Palmer (I do not want to know how that happened.)  
Someone put vodka in the coffee maker._

He pulled on his pants, someone’s black fur jacket, and a spare pair of Rude’s sunglasses, went to buy himself a coffee. He was all for being shit faced lampshade on your head no shirt drunk, but he did not want to know what coffee would taste like when the coffee maker had been washed with vodka.

Fortunately the downstairs cafe was willing to take his room number and charge the coffee that way, as when he opened his wallet, all that was in it was his ID, some membership cards, and a handful of glitter. He’d have to either cancel or find his bank card, but at least he hadn’t had much cash.

Not after the Honeybee dancers. Oh yeah. That had happened. Those had been some gorgeous girls. And a gorgeous man. 

_Reno’s Crime Scene Surveillance Clues:  
Those three (four? Five?) Honeybee dancers._

He drank most of the coffee by the time he was back in the room. Everyone was still asleep, so Reno poked around until he found his bank card in his coat pocket. The coat was draped over a lamp, the president’s pants pinned to the bottom, a feather boa and a Santa hat.

“Thanks for looking out for this, Santa baby.” He slipped the bank card back into his pocket, finished his coffee, went back to looking for clues.

Rufus was sleeping in the closet, in a pile of spare blankets and discarded coats. It didn’t seem like the half passed out sleep of the profusely drunk, rather, it seemed peaceful. Like he had gone in there to avoid whatever had happened when Reno was too far gone to care. Reno almost admired him for that.

“Ugh. Who’s tap dancing behind my eyeballs.” Rude was awake.

“Whoever put vodka in the coffee maker.” Reno responded, deadpan. He decided he wasn’t going to return the fur jacket, it was warm, and comfortable. Probably belonged to Scarlet, it seemed like something she would own. And she might kill him to get it back.

Oh well. He’d just blackmail her. Needed to get a picture of her in the bedroom with Heidigger and Palmer.

He closed the closet. Better to let Rufus sleep.

_Reno’s Crime Scene Surveillance Clues:  
Rufus tried to avoid the party?  
Get blackmail on Scarlet so I can keep the cool jacket_

“So what do you remember?” Reno asked Rude, once they had made a second trip to the cafe, charged more coffee to the hotel room.

“Someone invited Hojo.”

“Yeah I got that.” Reno rolled his eyes. “You don’t know who either?”

“No, but he had the most dancers.”

Reno snorted a laugh. “Of course he did. What else?”

“Elena danced with the lamp.”

“That why it’s all dressed up, yo?”

“Think so.”

Reno nodded. “So how come the President’s in a toga?”

“Declared himself king.”

“Yeah that tracks.” Reno finished his second cup of coffee in time for more of the partygoers to start waking up. Elena was first, and she started the coffee maker before Reno or Rude could warn her. Oh well, one more disaster wouldn’t hurt anyone. It was par for the course at this point.

“But where did the giant Tonberry come from?” Reno asked, deciding not to warn her at all about the coffee maker after all.

“Reeve.” Rude answered, simply. As if that was going to explain everything.

“So you think it’ll get up and start talking? Protesting it’s unfortunate position?” It explained everything, really. A bunch of geniuses getting drunk would of course lead to this level of disaster. This level of destruction. And copious amounts of glitter.

“It should.” Elena came out of the bathroom, drying her face. “No one should be forced into that position.”

“Dancers didn’t seem to mind.” Rude pointed out. 

The laugh that drew from Reno was undignified at best, ugly at worst. “How he does it, I’ll never know.”

“None of us will.” Elena poured the coffee, took a sip, made a face. Drank it anyway. Reno wondered if it would have any effect.

_Reno’s Crime Surveillance Clues:  
Reeve made or brought the Tonberry. It may have robotic features._

He tried to put together a sequence of events.

They all arrived together, excepting Hojo, no one awake knew who had invited him. And the jacket was Scarlet’s, and Tseng insisted Reno give it back. Which he promised to do, eventually. Tseng probably realized eventually meant never, but if he did, he was nice enough not to point that out.

Reeve brought the Tonberry, it had been wearing the Santa hat initially. Tseng had no idea if it was weaponized somehow, but they all agreed it probably was.

The president and Scarlet had hired the Honeybee dancers, according to Tseng they were paid handsomely, and they had been the ones to get glitter everywhere. Reno made a mental note to thank them later. The glitter on Rude’s bald head was quite the good look on him.

Elena had been reluctant to dance with the two male Honeybee dancers, and had elected to dress up the lamp instead. This had been after the President donned a bedsheet and declared himself King. No one was altogether too surprised by that. Reno had danced with anyone he could.

That left two unanswered questions. The first, which he did not want to know the answer to, was how Scarlet, Heidigger and Palmer had ended up in the bedroom, and the second, he did. Where had the pink mesh crop top come from, and could he get one in red?

He thought it would be a good look.


End file.
